Letters

A/N: I had faith in Severus all along, but even the strongest of us stray from time to time, allowing doubt to sow a seed. This was written two days after I finished the Halfbood Prince-book. I don't know what it originally started out as, but it ended up as a letter from Severus to us; his trusting fans.

I just found it again, and in light of having seen the movie yesterday and being reminded of how I felt right after I finished the book, before my senses came back and I thwarted doubt for good, I decided now would be a good time to publish it.

Disclaimer: Severus is not in any way my creation, but the work of the brilliant JK Rowling. I hope she doesn't mind me borrowing him from time to time.

Letters

My hands tremble, the blood still rushes through my veins. I am warm, yet cold. Tired, yet wide awake. Proud, yet shameful. Fearful, yet relieved. All these years I've been living a lie. Watched my every step, weighed my every word. Waited. Watched. Prayed.

Some part of me always knew, though I tried to tell myself otherwise. Tried to calm myself. He was gone, his power crushed. His reign broken. But I knew all too well that evil does not diminish quite so easily. Had I not myself been closer to him than most, and more closely than any watched how desperately he sought power? How far he would go, and went, to get it? And yet, I let myself believe he would go that easily?

They still celebrate downstairs. I can hear their singing, their merriment. And I must join them soon. There is only so long I can hide behind excuses to allow myself to mourn. Though, what right have I to mourn? What justifies me grieving a life I knowingly took? Do I not deserve this torture of remembering his face as I shall forever se it; filled with disappointment.

Is it not only right that it should torment me? It was after all a choice I made willingly... or was it a choice at all?

"The time has come to chose between what is right, and what is easy." I may not have chosen right, but nor can I say my choice was an easy one. I paved the path to my future years ago, and back then I saw no other option. I did not take the wrong path, just a different one. We do not all have the freedom to make what we want of ourselves.

You will argue that we do. That free will enables us all to make the right choices. But free will is human, and human I stopped being years ago. There was scarcely any human left in me when I chose my way. For me, there was only one road. And call it what you will, but an easy one it has not been.

And thus, when he returned as I knew he would, it was only a matter of time before I would have to return to that road. You think I had a choice? All I could do was delay. Eventually, I knew I must return to who I once was.

I do not ask that you forgive me. Forgiveness I have not earned. Nor pity. You are angry with me, and I understand. You gave me your trust, and I misused it. You were there for me when no one else was, believed in me when no one else did. You fought for me, defended me. Trusted me. And this is how I repay you?

Anger, indeed. I deserve far worse. I have let you down, and left you to suffer. Broken your trust, and left your belief in vain. You will pay for my mistakes. They will tell you you were wrong. That they were right. That I was evil all along.

And yet, I offer my apologies. Not in hope of forgiveness, for I deserve none. But in the hope that you will at least understand. This was a path I chose long before I knew you, and when you came into my life, it was too late.

This is who I am, and who I've always been. It was never my wish that you should find out like this, but now that you have, know this;

I am truly sorry. Although I do not know how to say for how much. I regret so many things that regret is no longer in me. You placed your faith in me, and I betrayed it. I no longer deserve anything from you. I know I have lost your faith, your trust and your love. And I do not ask for it back. I only wish you find someone who better deserves it.

Farewell...